“Every person who has finally figured out their worth, had picked up their suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.” ~unknown
Happy New Year to those who appreciate their freedom! If you have just survived an intensely transformative year or three, I congratulate you as I too, have been through a lot this past while. After a period of intense restructuring of virtually every aspect of my life, I have carved out a pocket of time to put pen to paper (literally just purchased a fresh pad of actual paper), and update my blog. Creating a linear piece of writing is proving to be a challenge because as with every substantial transformation, the effects are a result of countless internal shifts over time.
Where have I been you may ask (I do whenever I see a long gap between entries on somebody’s website). In general, a season of personal introspection was accelerated within me in 2020. I questioned my entire lifestyle without flinching for the first time. I was not happy. Not in the least. I had been pretending to myself about many things, least of all the people I was surrounded by and the day to day workings of what took up most of my time. This stage ultimately culminated in the recreation of my life’s day to day experience. I kicked comfort and certainty to the curb in exchange for the adventures of the unknown. Giving myself this gift of limitless possibilities was unbelievably terrifying. At the same time, I felt an unshakable knowing that I followed while experiencing all manner of physical and psychological stress responses.
Looking back to my childhood and thinking about who I was in the class picture of Glen Elm Elementary School in Winnipeg, Canada in the early 1970’s, I would have voted with great certainty that the girl in that picture would live a careful, cautious life, in the same city if not the same country for her entire life, doing what she was told to do by her culture, religion and family of origin. Well, dear reader, if she had stuck to the plan that her parents and lineage had instilled in her central nervous system, she would probably not be here today. This may sound extreme but conforming to that plan would have been the antithesis of free will, and those who live lives of quiet desperation actually become invisible if not dead, so either way, not here. I tell you this to create an awareness of the enormity of the change I made that still has me awestruck on most days.
Okay, with that introduction, I am ready to share what I chose to do when confronted with the truth of my living situation. Even though I had been a non-conformist up until that point, the patterns I was living out were directed by my lineage. Try as I might with “positive thinking”, “feminism”, “new age exploration”, “manifestation techniques”, nothing worked to clear the deeper layers of my restless dissatisfaction. Note: Please see my early blog posts as reference to the above techniques.
This time was different. I had arrived at a precipice on a non-descript Tuesday morning where I had shed enough of my limiting self belief patterns to give myself a new opportunity. Late in 2020, I woke up with a nudge to move to the ocean. There was no indication of which ocean, just an internal shift. Since I lived in the middle of Canada in the mountains, this was a surprising and novel idea. First of its kind since I am the type to slog it out no matter how cruel the storm. Because the concept was subtle, it came from a completely different place than my mind making up an idea to “save me from my unhappy life.” Immediately I got excited because I knew if my internal drive had “woken up” to generate an idea like this, somehow the resources to make it happen would appear. Synchronisticly, I “happened” to connect to somebody who was also looking to make a similar change in their life. The adventure was underway and I had a support system. Many, many months later, I had created the opportunity to live and travel in Mexico for as long as I would like. The feeling of every day being surreal was to last for quite some time. Ready or not I was plunging into a Self Directed life. Having surrendered my rights and privileges to authority figures in the past, the waters ahead were stormy, but I was determined.
Mexico has been the most supportive location I could have hoped for to continue my work of self discovery and authentic self expression. To explain this most clearly, the phrase “Mexican Time” comes to mind. It is probably meant as a racial slur but this slower pace of life is exactly what I require to unwind from a lifetime of self sabotage. It has taken me a year to slow down my “usual pace” and really feel grounded. Now I design my day and prioritize my health and it’s transformation. I don’t know how long this phase will take but as I said before, I am determined and thankful for this incredible opportunity. I continue to use my free will to choose differently than I did in the past and I look forward to sharing my insights, perspective and journeys through the darkness in my coming posts. I am also working to revamp the focus of my blog to something that resonates with my new direction. I look around at others living as they have for years and years and wonder sometimes if they feel it, the pull to stepping off the treadmill to nowhere.